I'm sure many of you have seen the little picture floating around the Internet that shows someone's humorous interpretation of the song titles on the Les Mis movie soundtrack. I got my share of giggles from the list (my favorites being "A Heart Full of Shut Up", "Grantaire Pick That Bottle Up" and "Now We All Cry and Feel Uplifted"). However, I felt some of the humor was a bit... um... indelicate (nothing too horrible, just not the best) and decided to make my own Alternate Song Title List.
So here we have the CSR in all its glory (that's the 1988 Complete Symphonic Recording for those of you who don't live and breathe every cast recording ever recorded--it's the only audio recording to date that includes every single lyric in the entire libretto) with my rewritten titles. You can find the original track listing here if you get confused. I've broken the thing down by discs instead of Act One and Act Two, so it will better correspond with the original list.
1. The Big Bum-BUM* [which includes Valjean Has No Friends / Oh Wait Now He Has One]
2. I've Got a Golden Ticket (But I Don't Want It Any More**)
3. Poverty, Social Injustice and Why You Shouldn't Read Other People's Mail
4. If You're Dreaming, Of Course You're Dreaming a Dream
5. (Just Skip This One)
6. Javert Shows Up Again
7. Life Before Emergency Brakes
8. Valjean's Midlife Identity Crisis
9. Hallucination, Tragic Death, and the Reappearance of the Only Cop in France
10. Good Luck Memorizing the Lyrics On This One
11. Little Cosette Has No Friends
12. (Better Skip This One Too)
13. It's Okay to Talk to Strangers If They Do Your Chores For You
14. Gavroche Runs Paris and Don't You Forget It
15. The Thenardiers Attempt to Mug Valjean / Police Guy Shows Up Once Again
16. Javert Teaches Astronomy
1. Eponine Gets Friendzoned
2. Enjolras Teaches Primary Colors / Our Favorite Loser Finally Has a Girlfriend
3. You Know This One Even If You've Never Seen Les Mis
4. Valjean Doesn't Feel Like Teaching History Right Now
5. I Have Just Met You, and I Love You
6. Lea Salonga Screamed It Better
7. The Cooler Version of "Tomorrow"
8. Let's Build a Fort (No Girls Allowed, Eponine)
9. The Anthem of Every Teenage Girl With an Unrequited Crush
10. Hadley Fraser Sang it Better
11. The 52-Year-Old Police Guy Is Now a College Student, Which Is Totally Not Suspicious
12. Don't Make Fun of Short Kids
13. Don't Make Fun of This Song
14. If He Shoots You in the Back, You Won't Live to Tell It Either
15. The Shooting Part, Part One
16. No One Cares About Your Lonely Soul, Marius
17. The Fastest Son-In-Law Acceptance Ever
18. You Messed With the Wrong Barricade
19. The Shooting Part, Part Two / People Who Aren't Crying Are Obviously Made of Stone
20. Gunsmoke, Tragedy and Hanging Upside Down
21. The Gross Dude Is Back Again
23. We Have to Give the Lovely Ladies a Decent Song at Some Point
1. Marius Has No Friends (Anymore)
2. I Know Everyone's Dead, But Let's Get Married Anyway
3. Story Time with Papa-In-Law (Wait, I Don't Like This Story)
4. Where Did All These Wedding Guests Come From?
5. Everyone Who Died Is Alive Again (They're Alive, They're Alive, They Are So Alive)
How would you rename the Les Miserables songs?
* This expression was originated by my lovely friend Eowyn of Inklings Press and I'm using it without permission but I'm citing her as the original creator so here's hoping she won't sue me.
** To the tune of Defying Gravity
*** That was a pun.
[[The post title is a reference to a Fireflyer quote, for those of you who haven't read Peter Pan in Scarlet. You should read it. It's a good book. ]]